Some day I will

I got up early this morning, earlier than usual, for my regular Saturday shift at the club. I work there part time and for my situation - stay-at-home mom trying to write a novel - it's about as perfect as it gets. No wonder so many people - school acquaintances, parents' of my daughters' friends, members at the club - ask me routinely if they're hiring.

I relish the early hour. It feels as though it's a whole world just to myself - quiet, uninterrupted, peaceful. The cool morning air that will eventually turn hot in the September sun, the drive-in along country roads, the breezy air and rustling trees as I walk through the empty parking lot.

Best of all, though, is the pool deck where I find myself after opening all of the necessary doors and turning on all of the necessary lights.

It is breezy, still, and the wind makes ripples along the clear water. The sun is only half up, lighting part of the concrete, warming my skin. There is a view, open sky, and the air smells of the beach. If I close my eyes, I can imagine myself there, salt water sulphuric humidity enveloping me.

Camping

Today, I will embark on a two day camping trip with my family. And I'm not talking about sissy camping with a trailer and all that - I'm talking tent.

The girls have never been to the mountains before and I thought it was about time we go. Much as I would love to go to the beach, much as I really wanted to go to Florida this September, finances don't ever seem to allow, and really, it's about time we did something different.

Living in the Raleigh area is convenient in that way - we are lucky. We have an enormous shoreline to the east, and the Blue Ridge Parkway is to the west, and all are within three hours time frame away, give or take.

So we've borrowed a tent and equipment from various friends, done a trial run with said tent to make sure we can actually put it together once we're there, packed everything we can think of that we might need, and arranged for the dog to be watched by neighbors. And I have entered anxious mode, as I always do when I'm ready to leave my house for a few days. (I hate that - I wish I was a bit freer of spirit in this matter). We are ready to take to the open road!

We are headed to the Linville Falls area, in between Asheville and Grandfather Mountain areas. There are supposed to be beautiful waterfalls there, and pretty scenery. Hopefully the girls will be able to sufficiently hang for the hiking. I think they will - we've done plenty of day hikes around our area. We may also go apple picking somewhere up there. If nothing else comes from the weekend, it will be the welcome relief from this never-ending, ridiculous, Triangle heat that has enveloped us all since late May. While temperatures here continue to broil in the '90's, it will be a refreshing 80 degrees up there.

Anyway, wish us luck. Deep breath. Here we go.

Christianity, Judaism, and the Five-Year-Old

G was having trouble sleeping a few nights ago. The usual stuff - she was afraid of something in the dark, something outside her window, something. I don't know - it was late and I was frustrated.

Anyway, I attempted to talk her through her fears by hitting on a subject near and dear to her heart - Jesus. She inexplicably has taken a great liking to the Sunday school and the catechesis program at her Catholic preschool, and we were convinced for a while that she would grow up to be a nun. I say inexplicable because her father and I are not devout Catholics by any stretch.

Since we've been having some issues with G lately in terms of sleeping, anxiety, etc., I figured it was the appropriate time to bring out these big guns. But alas, my attempts to reassure her - telling her that angels were watching over her and Jesus was always there with her, too - did nothing to calm her fears. She told me, quite seriously, that she just didn't believe that Jesus was in her heart. I asked her to please explain, since she'd always been a big fan of J, and this new turn of events was a surprise to me.

She donned an air of extreme sincerity and seriousness, pulling me down close to her so I could hear her whispered voice. "I don't believe Jesus is in my heart, because I guess I must be Jewish."

Ha! News to me and I give her a 10 for creativity. My ultra Catholic mother-in-law must have been doing somersaults in her grave upon hearing that one. I, on the other hand, laughed hysterically, told her to go to sleep, and walked out the door where I found my husband in tears on the landing. L'Chaim!

Back to School ...

The first full week of having both of my kids at school has gone fairly well, except that I have developed a wicked summer cold, which is putting a bit of a cramp in my plans for uber productivity.

I will admit to feeling very anxious over the last several weeks as this time approached. I knew G would do great in kindergarten. I've been more anxious, really, about how I was going to handle this change.

A month or so ago several female acquaintances, all of whom work full time, asked if I would be returning to work once both kids were in school. I felt weird and guilty telling them no. My husband and I had accepted it as a foregone conclusion that I would stay home, at least for a while. He wanted to give me the opportunity to finally do some serious writing and the plan still is that I will do just that. Too, we both still believe very strongly in the benefit of being available to our kids as they grow up, something that doesn't end just because they're in school all day.

But it got me to thinking that it is a hard thing, in this day and age, to justify. With the economy in the dumps, and us getting along fine financially (not great, but fine), does it make sense for me to be at home all day living a life of leisure?

Okay, so I'm not really going to be living a life of leisure - I'm not the sort of person to sit around on the sofa eating bon bons all day. I have a long list of home projects that have been just waiting for a child-free block of time to get completed, along with the daily task of taking care of the family's needs, trying to pick up some writing jobs, working on a novel, and oh, there's my part-time job at the fitness club, and PTA responsibilities, too.

And though my husband totally supports me, I started to get a little nervous about the whole thing. How do I organize the day so that I can build in time for projects, writing, and overseeing the house, and do it all effectively so that I don't have to justify myself to anyone? How do I not feel guilty if I want to actually take an hour here and there for myself, since I have nothing but time for myself overall? More importantly, what happens when/if I finish all of those projects and the writing is taking up some of my time but not all of it, and I am faced with stretches of empty time?

This is all at once a luxury, a burden, and a responsibility, that presents just as many questions as any other life choice. Thus the anxiety and the conclusion that I will just take it day by day and see how it unfolds.